Have a Relationship With a Sexsomniac? Share your Story.

From time to time, Sexsomniacs Journey receives requests to see if anyone in our community would like to discuss their personal experiences with Journalists, News Agencies, and Reporters.  This morning, Faye Dobson of Caters News Agency contacted us about such an opportunity.  She is seeking either a female sexsomniac or the wife/ girlfriend, residing in the UK, of person that is in a relationship with Sexsomniac to share their personal perspective with her.  Please contact her directly at faye@catersnews.com

Are you in a relationship with a sexsomniac?  What impact does sexsomnia have on your relationship with your significant other?  What do you experience and go through on a day-to-day basis?  What are your hopes, fears, and worries about your loved one and sexsomnia?  How does your partner’s sexsomnia affect you mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and physically?

These are common questions for anyone that is in a relationship with someone truly afflicted with Sexsomnia that a lot of people would like to know.  Yes, as with many conditions, the severity of the condition will ultimately dictate the stress upon a sexsomniac and their loved one.  I highly encourage everyone to share their story with us and get Sexsomnia to the forefront of conversation to increase awareness of what really happens in the lives of those impacted by Sexsomnia.

Have you ever wanted to share your story with others while maintaining your privacy and providing details at your discretion?  Then you have found the right community for you and the Sexsomniac you love.  Currently we have the following opportunities for you to share your experiences with others:

If you live in the UK, then Faye Dobson of Caters News Agency has a great opportunity for you.  Please contact her directly via e-mail at faye@catersnews.com

Live somewhere else and desire to share your story?  Please feel free to post your personal experiences with sexsomnia in our comments section, our forum, or contact me at info@sexsomniacsjourney.com to collaborate and produce a post for Sexsomniacs Journey together.

Let’s increase Sexsomnia Awareness together and get the word out.  Share Sexsomniacs Journey with your friends and contacts on your favorite social media and subscribe to our newsletter to stay informed of all matters Sexsomnia.  Thank you.

Take care and be well.


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10 Responses to Have a Relationship With a Sexsomniac? Share your Story.

  1. Dean says:

    I think I’m suffering with this I’m so worried about my relationship I adore my girl friend and love her to bits but this brakeing me plz can some one help me with this

  2. Katie says:

    Hi there,

    I hope you don’t mind me posting on here.
    I am a casting researcher for a TV company based in the UK and we are doing a Channel 4 series about sleep deprivation.

    We are particularly interested in Sexomniacs. If you suffer with Sexomnia or you know anyone who does please get in touch at sleep@7wonder.co.uk



  3. Ittino says:

    I only recently became aware of this condition. 6-8 months into my marriage my wife complained of me cuddling and waking her up all through the night. It progressed from there to (she tells me) fondling her breasts or even violating her with my hands and fingers. I always have no memory of the incidents. She tells me we had full on sex at least once as well. We’ve been married 2.5 years now, and just last week I grabbed her breasts and squeezed hard enough to leave finger marks and then bit her on the breast hard enough to leave a bruise. She apparently yelled at me and ordered me back to sleep, and I did so. She’s amazed that even yelling didn’t wake me, and it scares her.. a lot. Always in the past it’s been just an annoying cuddling or a slightly more insistent humping or reaching under her clothes to feel her up, but it’s never been truly painful like this episode. I feel terrible for hurting her, and know I could never do that awake. I still feel guilt though because if I would’ve paid more attention to this problem when it was just annoying (cuddling) and then sexually abusive/intrusive (sex, feeling her up, etc.) I don’t think I would have hurt her.

    Notably, and I hope this is helpful to someone, ALL OF MY EPISODES ARE RELATED TO THOUGHTS I’VE HAD. Also I have never previously exhibited ANY parasomnias of any kind– I’ve never sleep-walked, never sleep-drove, I’ve never even snored (apparently if I start snoring I will unconsciously stir enough to stop).
    But like I say, they’ve all been related to thoughts. Before in our marriage I wanted to cuddle more, and so would dwell on that. Soon enough I was doing it in my sleep. Then I was feeling largely sexually unfulfilled, or that my wife did not want me to touch her– and so I would imagine/fantasize about doing so and that she wanted me to, and again, that soon manifested itself in my sleep. For this most recent violent episode, I had been having a recurring thought of roughly taking ‘control’ as it were, grabbing her breasts and looking her in the eyes to let her know that my intention was to ‘take what I wanted’ basically.. although in the thought I always would stop at this point and ask for consent, at least by monitoring how she looked and reacted to me as I would be looking her in the eyes. I had this thought probably 5-10 times over the last month, and the night of the episode I told her that I wanted to bite her as well.
    My subconscious, however, didn’t stop to assess her reaction, nor did it moderate my strength and instead decided to squeeze as hard as I could, and then followed up with the aforementioned bite, albeit also with exaggerated strength. It’s so hard to come to terms with this. I never wanted to hurt her, that was never part of the idea/thought. I can’t handle the blame or the shame I feel…. I need her to forgive me so I can forgive myself and fix this.

    My plan for treatment has a few bullet points as it were. #1 is to moderate my thoughts. Being a faithful/religious couple, both my wife and I were virgins before marriage. I was very very careful with my thoughts, and almost never gave in to thinking sexual thoughts of any kind before marriage. After we got sealed I largely let myself go in that regard and often would enjoy remembering sexual encounters or think of new things to do etc. etc. and would find quite a bit of enjoyment in fantasizing about sex in general. The fact that all of my sexsomnia episodes have directly reflected previous thoughts, and that I never had any signs of sexsomnia before marriage and even 6-8 months in leads me to believe this (moderating my thoughts) will be successful.

    Because I am a man with at least normal libido [if not more], I’ve decided that when I do want to indulge in sexual fantasizing that I will simply Talk about it with my wife instead of thinking about it alone. Last night I was feeling very high on the libido scale so I called her (since I hurt her she’s been living at her parents sadly) and explained to her in great detail all of the sexual things that I wanted to do, probably for a good 2 to 3 minutes. Honestly it was much more fulfilling than thinking about it on my own. Also note, I almost never wake up during the night. Probably less than once every 6 Months do I wake But, get this, LAST NIGHT I WOKE UP at 3:08am and felt those thoughts I had discussed with my wife coming to the surface. It’s like the switch was thrown to engage in sexual activity but because I had been talking about it and considering it completely, my prefrontal cortex was alerted to that behavior and hence woke me up to continue considering it. Had she been in the bed with me, I would have woken up, considered the sexual urges I was feeling, and then probably smiled and simply gone back to bed because I don’t want to wake her up generally. This gives me a lot of hope! If all I have to do is go back to my habits before marriage of putting those sexual thoughts out of my mind as they come up– because hey, I’m a guy.. they definitely come up; but it’s my decision to dwell on them or not– then I can definitely cure this. Besides, as I mentioned, talking about those thoughts with the woman of my dreams is infinitely more fulfilling than just dwelling on them by myself.

    Bullet #2 is to fill myself with the light of the gospel. I’ve been praying more fervently/frequently to our Heavenly Father, and have made sure I read my scriptures, and not just a few verses– now sections at a time or chapters at a time, and I’ve found that that DRASTICALLY reduces my stress and makes my sleep much better too, the opposite of the two main culprits of triggering sexsomnia episodes (I don’t drink alcohol or smoke or do drugs of any kind, don’t drink coffee, tea, and I don’t even like most soda [caffeine makes my heart beat noticeably faster and makes me feel anxious typically] so I don’t have to worry about those possible triggers; I’m also rather skinny [6’0″, 155lbs] so don’t have any sleep apnea problems either)

    Bullet #3 is professional help. We’re meeting with a professional tomorrow morning, so I’ll reply to my comment with what happens probably tomorrow night or at the very least, sometime this week.
    I hope that helps! We’re smart people guys, and we can figure this out. A solution has to exist, we just have to find it!

    • Ittino says:

      Well, the professional we saw didn’t know much about sexsomnia sadly. In an effort to control the urges however he recommended we have a “sex fast” in that we not have sex for 90 days. My libido of course balked at the idea but it is indeed a good one– consciously controlling my urges for 3 months should make it much harder for my subconscious to wrest that control back from me.

      He also felt that I’m having a hard time coming to terms with or taking responsibility for the fact that I did indeed hurt her; whether I meant to or not, I certainly did it, and I need to comprehend how this episode and the less violent but no less abusive previous episodes have been affecting her and how they’ve made her feel.

      I brought up that Klonopin or Clonazepam has shown to be quite effective at preventing sexsomniac episodes (as high as 90% in some studies, close to 70% in others), but since he knew little about the condition he recommended that I see a psychiatrist who specializes in parasomnias. I’ll research one in my local area and after I find a good one and see him I will again reply to my post– perhaps my journey to taking back control of my body will enable someone else to do the same.

  4. Ariel says:

    My husband and I are a statistical rarity, I guess. We have both exhibited sexual behaviors while deeply asleep. I’ve suffered (infrequently, thank God!) from sleep paralysis since I was a child, and my husband has sleep apnea. We’ve never had our sleep sex diagnosed because the one time I mentioned it to my doctor he couldn’t understand that my husband wasn’t raping me.
    In the beginning of our marriage it was all just good fun. For me the sexsomnia caused me to touch myself which didn’t bother anyone; I wasn’t aware and my husband found it sexy. For him he’d sometimes initiate sex in the middle of the night and not remember at all in the morning. In the beginning I thought he was just messing with me when he said he didn’t remember a thing, even though I myself had a similar problem. It was just really hard to understand how he could actually interact with me and move around as he did without waking up.
    It wasn’t that long before I realized that he was serious, though. The fact that his sexual “style” was so different from normal really convinced me. We were newly married and is been a virgin so when he was conscious he’d be caring and considerate, and aware that he was teaching me whenever we did something new.
    So when I’d wake up with him penetrating me without warning, in whatever position I happened to be sleeping in, that was a sign something weird was going on. Still, I just went with it and enjoyed it. The next day we’d laugh about it and he’d often speculate that his episode was triggered by one of mine. Of course there was no way to know since we literally never remember a thing about our own episodes.
    Sexsomnia can be terrifying and dangerous too though.
    One night I woke up on my belly with my husband on top of me, trying to penetrate me. I’m not sure if his sleeping self’s coordination was off, or if that part of his brain was actually aiming for it, but he was at the wrong opening. That was the first time I ever tried to object to his sleep sex, but because I was on my belly I couldn’t physically stop him. I couldn’t even really scream at him since my head was pressed into a pillow. When I struggled I felt like I was choking more, but it was extremely painful and I was panicking. It was terrifying. He was completely oblivious to my struggling and begging, he didn’t react or try to restrain me. He just penetrated me anally very roughly and fast, and then he continued thrusting until he finished. Then he actually started falling back to normal sleep while still on top of me, but I managed to flip him off. That’s when I shook him awake and that was almost the scariest part, because he woke up in such a normal way! He rubbed his face, looking disoriented and said “baby, what time is it?”.
    I couldn’t talk, couldn’t find the words to explain, so I got up and ran to the bathroom and cried.
    When he got up to follow me I guess he could somehow tell he’d just had sex because he instantly asked what he’d done, if he’d hurt me.
    That was just an awful conversation to have, and it was so confusing for me. I’d been assaulted but the person I wanted to hug and comfort me was the person who’d done it. And I think my husband felt even worse. He later admitted that he was planning on killing himself, but then he didn’t because the next morning I was still bleeding from what he did and he had to take me to the ER. If I hadn’t come to his office that morning and told him I needed help, he would have shot himself. He still struggles with guilt, he’s told me sometimes in his mind the word “rapist” just spins around for hours at a time.
    He is on a medication now that’s kept him from having any more episodes and after a full year he moved back into our bedroom.
    He also says he wouldn’t ever have married if he’d been aware of his condition, but since he was a bit of player he’d only rarely slept next to women before our marriage.
    My nightly self-pleasure still happens occasionally, but now my husband just leaves me alone. He’s worried that I’ll get scared if he tries to join in.
    But we’re still together after ten years and we still have a healthy, active sex life when we’re both awake and from what I’ve read that’s pretty good for someone in our situation.

  5. Midnight says:

    My boyfriend sleepsex’s quite often. We have been together for 2 years and now live with each other. I cannot count how many times we have had sex while he was asleep. There have been times where it was conscious sex that happened to happen in the middle of the night where one person woke up and woke up the other for a midnight romp. But then there have been multiple times where he makes advances that woke me up, get me roudy, and things escalate and I do not realize he was asleep until he he wakes up in the middle of intercourse or (even funnier) he wakes up as he climaxes. He has no recollection and will ask me ” How did that start?” and when I tell him it was him (usually with groping and kisses and finding his way underneath clothes) he is always in amazement.
    Sleepsex doesn’t really bother me and it has never gotten “rapey”. Though I do get concerned if it is from stress at work or stress of not being satisfied sexually. He is usually too tired to have sex so I usually am receptive to being woken up by a still sleeping man. There was one time he was advancing me in his sleep and when I really was not in the mood and in a deep sleep, I just had to say “No.” like a owner disciplining a dog and he stopped, rolled over and continued to sleep. Or in the case of tonight, I was still awake on the computer while he was sleeping and he woke up jibbered a bit (he sleep talks/jibberish as well) and I go to look at him and he has his dick in his hand and is waving it up and down at me and then made an “eh?Eh?” sound. And then almost as quick as it happened, he was back to sleep, mouth open and snoring.

    • Sexsomnia says:

      Hi Midnight!
      THank you for your great post and for your courage to share your experiences with your boyfriend’s sexsomnia. How is he doing?

      Have you both taken a moment to consider what “triggers” his sexsomnia?

      I keep a record of my “triggers” and seek ways to alleviate them. Some of my biggest triggers are extreme stress, over amorous sexual desire when not having quality intimate relations, and frustration.

      Just curious… How often do the sexomnia episodes occur with your boyfriend?

  6. die hungry says:

    Well I think I might be a sexsomniac and would like to seek out help, and treatment if possible. And maybe some counseling or know more about thekinds of treatment

  7. Stephanie says:

    My husband has sexomnia. Started a few months ago with just a bit of groping and dry humping. It was rather annoying actually. Usually if I just ignored him, he would roll over and go back to sleep. He always has his eyes open, and I can never truly tell if he is asleep or awake. Recently he has gotten semi forceful in his nighttime advances. I have woken a few times in the middle of sex. Its very scary. We normally don’t have any violent tendencies during sex, its more subtle and gentle, but when he’s asleep, he can get forceful. I’ve told him a few times in the past about him waking me up several times at night, and sometimes all night long. It’s never been an issue until recently. I told him the other night that he forcefully had sex without my consent. I know it’s not his fault and I still love him with everything I have. It’s very scary to think about it. When I told him he realized that he basically “raped” me. Now, he sleeps on the couch and will barely touch me; Including hugs, kisses, or anything. He is the love of my life and we just had a child three months ago. We are working through it together. I have my things I need to work through, and so does he. He refuses to go to the doctor to get help, but I may do it for him. We both need good sleep, and both of us feel very violated. I hope this helps other people. I’ve been looking online for partners of sexomniacs, but only found people who say they “Love” this other personality they get at night. I, on the other hand, don’t care for it all that much. I miss sleep, I miss having basic cuddles with my husband, and I miss being able to hug and kiss him with out him fearing that I hate him.

    • Trevor says:

      For the past few months I have been violating my wife. I don’t remember doing it, I just know I have by the way my wife treats me the next day. We always ask each other how we slept and a couple of months ago she said for a week I was doing inappropriate things to her. I truly didn’t remember anything specific and it seemed to stop. Our relationship has been on the rocks. Just last night I know it happened again because she said she didn’t sleep well and after “crowding” her a few nights again, I was concerned that it happened again. My wife said she didn’t want to talk about what happened last night. I respect her and don’t want to push her any farther away from me then we already are. I purchased a book to read and will be seeing my therapist next week and will bring it up to her. I feel ashamed and am embarrassed about it. It really bothers my wife also. I hope for my and my relationship with my wife sake I can get a handle on this.

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